Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]