Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB