I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Meow
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.