No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Squirrels before girls.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes