today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Art by Pastelkatto
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.