CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol