Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
sleeping beauty
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.