I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?