If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
You Might Also Like
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*