DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Did a trash talking tree write this?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier