cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You Might Also Like
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
🤭😂
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”