computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The prophecy is fulfilled
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*