Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I