My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
What is going on? 😅
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.