the best thing i’ve ever made
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting