My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
You Might Also Like
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
wow he looks just like him
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.