*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”