Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
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National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’