*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*