I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
You Might Also Like
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
good for her
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.