Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
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[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE