*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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incredible book dedication
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.