It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
You Might Also Like
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)