The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*