*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*