i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
You Might Also Like
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Auto correct is my worst enema.