Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Well, shit
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.