How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’