[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I don’t hate children, just yours.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?