Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Support your local cemetery
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*