Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
stand with me against insufficient seating
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit