roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Writing, She Murdered.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]