I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway