I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
choose your fighter
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor