First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*