Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
don’t we all
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu