[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.