so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.