Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.