Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
for all #parents out there
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy