It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
You have been warned.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.