7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Sniffing the broccoli
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.