Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
and now we wait
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
relationship goals
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.