“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
my favorite genre of twitter
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Not all heroes wear capes.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
🍛
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN