Kids: Stay in school.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”