The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
You Might Also Like
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Very good! 👍😂
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(