DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
You Might Also Like
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition