had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sing it!
Why soy sad?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I think this cat is broken
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
gentlemen, hear me out
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.