I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”