All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.